On Not Feeling Good Enough

I’ve been trying to make a piece of content – blog post, video, instagram post, whatever – for weeks now. Every time I write I tell myself no-one will see it. Every time I film something I tell myself I’m just adding to the oversaturated community and not adding anything valuable. Every time I go to take a picture I find something wrong – the lighting, a lack of interesting caption, or just the fact that neither myself nor my belongings look ‘instagram ready’.

Although this is largely a manifestation of poor mental health, I think that there’s a whole bunch of confusing feelings knocking around when it comes to creation that aren’t always completely internal. By putting original content out there, and what’s more, promoting it, you’re having to openly <em>try </em>at something, openly being passionate about a topic, which as someone into things like books and video games is a very vulnerable position to put yourself into. Creating content tells the world that not only are you interested in and passionate about a topic, but that you have the pig-headedness to think that your opinions also have value.

I find myself frequently caught in limbo between two thoughts: the first, that being creative and striving for improvement and exposure is a positive act and that you have something to add to a conversation; the second, that most people are just ordinary and that knowing your limits and what your strengths are prevent you from aiming with your ego.

I don’t know how to figure out if I’m good enough to keep making things. But I think that it is a negative thing to give up on something.

Mid-Year Reading Stats 2017

As we’ve just finished June, and I’m well underway with this year’s reading challenge (upped to 60 books from 50 because I had an unbelievably quick start to the year with some shorter books) I thought I’d share a breakdown of what I’ve been reading so far, what I’ve loved, and what I’ve hated.

 

Books Read

36

 

Top 5 Books so Far

The Good Immigrant, ed.

The Essex Serpent, Sarah Perry

A Monster Calls, Patrick Ness

The Power, Naomi Alderman

Girls Will Be Girls, Emer O’Toole

 

Books DNFed

The Melody of You and Me, M. Hollis

The Inexplicable Logic of My Life, Benjamin

Prep, Curtis Sittenfeld

Carry On, Rainbow Rowell

 

Fiction vs. Non-Fiction

64% fiction, 36% non-fiction

 

Fiction Genres

Fantasy 6

Contemporary 6

Dystopian 2

Romance 2

Historical 2

Graphic Novel 2

Children’s 2

Poetry 1

 

How are your reading years going so far? Are there any surprising stats from your year so far?

5 Life Lessons from Harry Potter

As I was born in 1996, I was only on this earth a year before Harry Potter was (in book form, rather than birthdate, but that’s just complicating things). I grew up with every book and film, aged with the actors, and shared this series with nearly everyone I knew throughout my childhood. In light of the 20 year anniversary this week I thought I’d talk a bit about the ways these books have impacted me – and are still impacting me – long after they were first published.

 

1. Everyone deserves kindness, because you don’t know what they’re going through behind closed doors.

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More than anything, the series taught me to be understanding and empathetic. When Harry and Ron meet each other on the Hogwarts Express, Harry doesn’t know that Ron is the youngest brother in a huge family that struggles financially and so hardly gets space for himself, and Ron doesn’t know Harry comes from an abusive home and hasn’t had a real friend before. Everyone has their own baggage, and you never know how much a simple kindness can impact someone.

 

2. Activism will not be easy, nor will it make you popular.

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Hermione starting SPEW (Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare) is probably responsible for 90% of my belligerent stand-up-for-everything-even-if-you-piss-people-off personality. Her radical ideas about Elves and other magical creatures which are initially mocked are adopted by her closest friends by the end of the series, and serves as a reminder that equality is always the end goal.

 

3. Morality is not black and white

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The series gave us characters like Dumbledore and Snape, who both committed extreme acts of good and extreme acts of bad throughout their lives. Although one, arguably, did much more good than the other (who steps over a CRYING BABY to hug a DEAD BODY then emotionally tortures children because you didn’t get laid as a teenager I mean really) JK Rowling showed us that people are not split into good guys and bad guys, but everyone lies somewhere on a spectrum.

 

4. Life is defined by the choices we make

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Everything from Harry choosing Gryffindor over Slytherin to Voldemort choosing Harry over Neville, this series demonstrates that nothing is innate or fated in life, but that people have the power to define themselves through their actions. Knowing that you can become the person you want and define your own goals was an important lesson to learn and relearn throughout my childhood.

 

5. And finally…

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Battle of the TBR: My Book Buying Ban

So, as of today, after going through every book in the house that wasn’t my boyfriends (and some that were that I want to read eventually), I have 95 books on my physical TBR. 95. That’s actually insane. This is also not counting some books I’m waiting on from a book-swap, which will take the total to 102.

I argue it’s because I love books. I love shiny new hardbacks of recent releases, I love battered paperbacks from charity shops, I love a cart full of 1p secondhand titles on Amazon, I love buying books as a treat, buying them when I’m sad, buying books recommended by friends, and stocking up on a new author I’ve discovered.

But it’s ridiculous. I keep buying books faster than I can read them – and I read them fast. And the sad thing is that I hardly even feel excited about them anymore – books that I was so desperate to buy now sit forgotten on my shelf as I bring more and more into the house. I needed an intervention, and since all bookish areas of social media are filled with adverts, promos, reviews, and endless jokes about people not controlling themselves in bookshops, the intervention needed to come from me.

So here it is – I will stop buying books. Period. Until my TBR is down to 10 books (which I feel is a reasonable number to have waiting in the wings for my attention) I will not be buying books. There will, of course, be some exceptions: books from author events (I have one that I’ve already bought a ticket for in July), gifts, and book swaps (just because I’d rather trade with someone than donate them to somewhere they might never made it onto the shelves).

Given that I read anywhere from 50-70 books a year when I’m studying, it’ll take me around 2 years to get through it – not including any gifts and swaps, of course, which will make it even longer to get through.

I’ll try and do a monthly update on how I’m doing, which books I’ve received from my rule exception, and how I’ve felt going through backlist books rather than newer (more exciting?) ones.

Have any of you been on a book buying ban before? How did it go?

Review: Coffee Boy, Austin Chant

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After graduation, Kieran expected to go straight into a career of flipping burgers—only to be offered the internship of his dreams at a political campaign. But the pressure of being an out trans man in the workplace quickly sucks the joy out of things, as does Seth, the humorless campaign strategist who watches his every move.

Soon, the only upside to the job is that Seth has a painful crush on their painfully straight boss, and Kieran has a front row seat to the drama. But when Seth proves to be as respectful and supportive as he is prickly, Kieran develops an awkward crush of his own—one which Seth is far too prim and proper to ever reciprocate.

CONTENT WARNING: scenes of a graphic sexual nature, mild transphobia

Why I picked this book up:

I was in the mood for something quick, fun, and fluffy, and I thought this romance would be perfect.

The bad:

At 90 pages, I only wish this book could have been longer. I loved Kieran and his self-assured sarcastic personality and could have read a full book about his internship and about him getting into politics.

The good:

Funny and warm, this book was a beautifully constructed mini romance. The characters were flawed and believable, and did a great job of illustrating older and younger members of the queer community and their reactions to labels, and also showed how even straight liberals can be accidentally homophobic or transphobic without the correct knowledge. The sex scenes were also well written without resorting to cliches or overly euphemistic language, which was refreshing. I’m excited to read some more of Chant’s other novellas, and hope he goes on to write more full length fiction in the future.

Overall rating: 4/5